Friday, 12 July 2013

40 sucks

This might sound pathetic, but I am feeling very sorry for myself right at this moment.

You see it's my 40th Birthday this weekend. Aside from the obvious feelings of impending old age and the sagging of, well, everything, I am sad because my husband isn't interested.
With some cajoling and Starbucks related bribes he was encouraged to go out with his PA to buy me some gifts, but he wouldn't have done this if I hadn't arranged it. I also arranged for him to make me a cake which, sadly, he couldn't really be arsed to do. I had to contact his deputy to suggest that it was reasonable to assume Jake might have bought me a special gift and could he liaise with Jake's sister...and then I had to ask her to remind him. I told Jake that lots of people were coming to celebrate with us tomorrow and he said 'I might come out for a bit'.

This might all sound petty and you might be thinking I'm ungrateful because I still have a Jake and he is better than anyone expected. But it's my 40th Birthday and I'm having to sort out my own catering, cake, bunting, invitations, etc. etc. etc. because my husband can't do most of it and it wouldn't occur to him to do what he could. Frankly this is heart breaking and makes me feel like shit. Sorry and all that, but there it is.

Having to provide endless love, support and care to someone who, most of the time treats you like staff is in a weird way made worse because he doesn't realise he's doing it and really doesn't want to hurt me, because then I can't even be angry at him. What a stupid bloody situation.

I am also sad because my husband isn't really interested in anything. Since his shunt revision we have started to see what was really going on and clearly his shunt had been failing for some time. A lot of this has been very positive with small but definite improvements in most areas. Unfortunately, some things have got worse and the extent of his frontal lobe damage is worse than initially thought. He is thoughtless and rude one moment and remorseful the next. His motivation has evaporated and so he spends all day in bed, doing the bare minimum and immediately losing his temper if you try to get him to do something, even if it's something you know he'll really enjoy. His perseveration has got much, much worse and sometimes he gets so stuck on a subject or thought you can see his confusion and frustration escalating as he obsesses, powerless to stop. This never ends well.

I completely realise that this is horrible for Jake, but it is also utterly exhausting and soul destroying to have to answer the same question again and again for hours, knowing that, due to his language and cognitive issues, he is probably unable to hear or focus on the answer and will continue to obsess and continue to ask.

This apathy, lack of caring and indifference terrifies me. It is so alien to the Jake I married and fills me with dread for the future.  So right at this moment my considered opinion is that 40 sucks.

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