Monday, 16 January 2012

Predicting the unpredictable

The last twelve weeks could reasonably be described as 'a period of unpredictable terror'.

Perversely it is now that we seem, based on the current evidence, to be moving past the terror that I feel completely overwhelmed.  Don't get me wrong, there is still mild peril in the form of seizures, but we were warned this was likely and they are fiddling with different drug combinations to get this under control.

No, what is truly overwhelming is the future and the responsibility that lies ahead.  This responsibility is like a ceaselessly shifting and expanding slippery thing that has a life and mind of its own... and teeth.

I have gone from starting a new life in Dorset full of possibilities with my husband and best friend, to being solely responsible for, well, everything; managing the finances without access to Jake's salary and with my salary reduced, getting back to work and being worth having back, finding and managing the right legal representation to maximise our chances of getting the best possible compensation package for Jake, making sure that everyone is kept informed of Jake's progress but managing this information so that I don't impose my own pessimism or optimism on it, trying to guess what Jake would want and working with the medical team to deliver this and, most frightening of all, trying to look ahead to what the next weeks, months and years might hold and attempting to create some sort of plan.  I also need to try and remember not to lose myself under the weight of it all.

Of course I have help; family, friends, the medical team and colleagues continue to be extraordinary and this certainly makes a difference.  But predicting the unpredictable is pretty tricky, however many people you have backing you up.

As of today, Jake continues to be stable and we continue to wait for the clues that will give us some idea of what lies ahead.  Of course, all this could change tomorrow.

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